MenWant Better Sex in Your Marriage? Be Seductive
What happened to the sexual revolution, anyway? I know a lot of my male clients feel like the sexual temperature at home feels a lot more like the 50s than the 70s.
As a marriage counselor, I a have birds eye view of this phenomenon, so I thought Id offer up my observations. After all, both men and women tell me their sexual problems all day long. (O.K., they do talk about other things, too!) A lot of people, and that includes therapists, make the mistake of thinking that all you need for good sex is love.
They tend to expect that when they do the emotional repair, desire will come back. Emotional closeness is fundamental. But desire operates by its own natural laws. If you dont obey them, the chemistry fizzles. What I see time after time, is that married people forget that the path to sex is&hellip,seduction.
Seduction Tips for Men
Flirt a Little
What do women find seductive? First, for women, seduction starts in the mind, not the body. You wife needs to feel cherished and special. And they need some pampering and playfulness, a zone of relaxation. Flirting, in other words. Its hard for her to switch from being a responsible adult, taking care of the chores and kids, to making love, unless she first switches her mindset.
Remember how you went about it in the early days of your relationship? I doubt very much that just reached over and grabbed your girlfriend when she was trying to fall asleep after a hard day. But a lot of you seem to be using this approach now. (So Ive heard.)
Seduce Through Housework
Housework is directly linked to sex in the mind of a woman, and not in a good way. You probably know that your wife has some resentment over you not helping enough with the housework. Instead of getting into interminable discussions about whats fair, look at it this way: A woman who feels like the maid does not feel like a sex kitten. What you prefer is up to you.
Also, a messy house is an anti-aphrodisiac for a woman. Thats why she loves to go away for romantic weekends. Relaxing in a beautiful room she didnt (and wont!) have to clean-now thats seductive!
Warning to men: a mans response to this information is often to do one task and expect instant gratification. If your wife has years of resentment over housework, do not clean the kitchen once, get rejected and say: It doesnt work!
Take Love Lessons
Once you are in bed, do you know what to do? Im not trying to be harsh, but Im sorry, the plain truth is that a lot of you dont. This is not completely your fault.
A lot of times in the early stages of a relationship, women care more about romance than sex, and are less demanding. So you dont need to be as skilled. And newness itself makes sex fun and exciting.
But sex with you is not new anymore. Your wife has a mortgage and kids, and maybe more concerns about her health and body image. You have a lot more competition for her attention. Youve got to really know what pleases her to keep her interested.
Or, maybe she never really spoke up about what she wanted. Maybe you never got into the habit of talking to each other about what you like. This is why a lot of couples are out of sync in bed. And it can be hard to start that conversation if its been off the table for years.
You dont have to make a big deal out of it. In fact, its probably better not to. That can create pressure. Just a gentle question here or there, and you can get to know each other all over again.
The next time you wish for more spice in your bedroom, dont think: Whats wrong with her? Instead think: Am I being seductive? Thats when things will start to change.
Are you looking for more emotional connection in your marriage? Claire Hatch, LICSW is a marriage counselor near Seattle, WA who specializes in simple tools that put an end to ‘roommate syndrome.’ Her Rock Solid Marriage Counseling Program is an intensive, step-by-step plan for turning troubled marriages around. To get the free Stop Arguments Before They Start Tool and more relationship advice, visit http://www.clairehatch.com.